A real Sh*tty day

What is this?

Yesterday afternoon, Rachel arrived home at 1:30 pm. Yes, she had been out all night. She came home without her car or shoes. She lost her new keys and her shoes and has NO idea where they are.

This morning, Rachel came home at 5:15 am. YES, AM. She rang the doorbell. Yes, Bill had given her a new house key and I gave her the last car key. Why did she ring the doorbell when she had a key? Good question! Her reply- I didn't want to wake up everyone. Huh? Ringing the door bell, waking up the dogs, who now bark at the door, making me get up out of bed to open the door, shut off the alarm then re-set the alarm. Makes more sense than Rachel opening the door, shutting off the alarm and re-setting the alarm. Dogs won't bark if the alarm is shut off in a few seconds. Hmmm. Then, Bill gets up and walks the dogs at 6:30. I feed the dogs when he returns and he says, Rachel needs to clean the sh*t off the door frame. Check it out. Seriously. GROSS. Then, I wait for Malcolm to open next door. I watch his video.
Rachel arrived just after 2 am. Proceeded to sleep in her car until 5. Then, stumbles to the back of her car where it appears she slipped to the ground and took a loose bowel movement. It was behind her car, all runny looking. Then, she wandered to the porch. That's what is on my door frame. Rachel denies it all. But the video and (dna) evidence do not lie.